Dealing with Darkness and Growth - a Personal Post

​Who am I?  What do I want to do? Who do I want to become? I'm too young for an existential crisis, or am I?

This has been a very difficult time in my life.

Change: people leaving, coming and going. New tasks and expectations. Growth as well as self-dwindling. It is beyond difficult to stay motivated when it feels like meaning is lost.

When seeking guidance, support, and empathy from the adults and friends in my life, I have learned the majority of us are all suffering with our own internal and external issues. As I try to solve my own issues and find inner peace, I extend my own actions and suggestions to you, with the hope I can help others who feel some sort of darkness in their own lives.

Mindfulness

Our minds save and destroy ourselves. We self-sabotage ourselves. We build ourselves up. We are the only force truly responsible for our own happiness, no matter how difficult it is to find our own happiness. So how to we save ourselves from ourselves?

Reminders 

 Remind yourself of who you are and your capabilities.

I am 19. I was just in high school. But, I removed that thought from my mind. I force myself to focus on my field; to push and push and push to become more educated and experienced, leaving no room for life outside of that. I removed the thought that I am a kid, that I am always a professional. But this is self destructive.

​I am on the track of reminding myself daily that I can make mistakes, life does not need to be only focused on my career, I can be happy without obsessing over my career. My fears are that I will never be a successful professional in my field and I will never have the career that I desire, but these fears cripple my happiness. Every day I will remind myself that my fears cannot dictate my happiness and actions. Every day I will remind myself that I am worthy of happiness, non-busy days, calmness, and freedom outside of my career and career goals. 

Remind yourself that you are only human and you can only push yourself so far.

Meditation

As previously stated, my fears feel as if they cripple me,leading to anxiety, worry, and panic. A counselor gave me a wonderful piece of advice I must share.

Every day, for at least 10 minutes, go away on vacation. Shut off your cell phone and your mind. Set a timer for at least 10 minutes, sit, and breathe deeply. Visualize a place you would like to be; a previous vacation, a place you hope to visit someday, your happy spot. Focus deeply on hiking, the sand in between your toes, water rushing upon you, the crisp autumn breeze. Be there undoubtedly, and be there alone. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by tasks, worries, and anxiety. Enjoy your vacation and your deep breathing.

When the timer ticks and you are relocated from your vacation, continue the breathing and the mindset. You will appear open, welcoming, and friendly to others. 

Focus on the Positive and the Beauty

I despise this phrase: "focus on the positive". But, it's true. If negativity swarms your life, you will sink. I feel this deeply now. As I attend a university I feel as bleak, glum, and depressing, this notion is making all aspects of my life feel the same. Focusing on the beauty and little things are helping me find the positive person I have lost. 

Let the "New" In

Get out There 

Trying new things, getting out there, leaving the house... it can feel like the heaviest weight. It can feel impossible.

Doing so can help alleviate the negativity. I am pushing myself to do things I am not prone to doing, like going to the school hockey game with a new group of friends, going on a mini road trip to a far away mall, and planning a Karaoke night with old friends. I am pushing myself to meet new friends and being open to meeting new people.  I am pushing myself to reconnect with old friends and reestablish the bond.

​ Doing all of these things is pushing the darkness out of my life.

Give New Hobbies and Things a Try

Go outside what you know. Try things that may be different or strange.

Try a new hobby
Meet a version of yourself that has been hidden. Try a new hobby. Painting, drawing, singing, perhaps something expressive. I am currently trying coloring and photography. I am terrible, absolutely horrible at coloring and drawing; but that's okay. It feels good to try something new and odd.

Start a collection.
I am now beginning a pin and button collection. Why? I tell myself for fashion. In reality? It feels like a new scavenger hunt and an exciting and fresh adventure. Don't hoard but collecting something like stamps, magnets, records or something else may be the new adventure needed.

Learn Something New

Enlighten yourself. Allow yourself to grow. Move forward by learning. Find a new topic you'd like to learn more about. Feed your mind and curiosity by opening it up through learning. Perhaps learn a new instrument or something like embroidery or crochet. Perhaps take classes, watch documentaries, listen to podcasts. 

I am allowing myself to learn more about sustainability by classes, films, discussions, conferences and more. I highly recommend watching Before the Flood while it's free online.

Try New Things

Escape the old. Don't be haunted. Nostalgia is deadly, beautiful, but deadly.

• Try a new perfume and avoid the haunting of memories.
• Don't let sadness and memories sneak up on you; try a new artist, genre, band, or group.
• Explore your pallet; be adventerous with food!
• Let your mind evolve; read a new book, story, or article you've been putting off
• Need to escape your social media? Try a new platform. I have been diving into Tumblr recently.

Do Something You've Been Putting Off

We all procrastinate; it's what makes us human. Gain a feeling of accomplishment by doing something you've been putting off. Maybe you need to reorganize your place or something similar. For me, I've been putting off applying for my passport and I FINALLY did it. It feels good. A little pat on the back.

Focus on You 

It's your time, no one else's. Give it a shot, focus on you.

• Create and strive towards new and old goals
• Focus on your looks, if you wanna. Maybe try new makeup, get a haircut, try a new style, explore yourself.
  
• Not a force, but sometimes going to the gym is a great way to focus on you. It's the little things, like walking on the treadmill for an hour and not giving up, even when the incline is killin'.
  
• Read for pleasure. Pick up a book you've been curious about but "haven't had the time". IT'S YOUR TIME NOW! JUMP IN!
  
• Blast music and sing and dance (even if you suck). Throw the speakers on or your earbuds. Rock out, shamelessly! Put on upbeat music to make you feel upbeat! 

Meet Yourself Again

Reconnect With Yourself

Somewhere on this journey, I lost pieces of myself that I used to value. I used to write songs; I had books filled with chords and lyrics. I used to write poems; I had several thick leather-bound journals filled with poetry. I used to write plays; two of mine were copywritten and directed. I used to perform music; but that part of  me hasn't been on stage in years.

Revisiting old interests helps me find myself. I am returning to guitar and performing, I will be updating my YouTube regularly. I will be returning to writing, through journaling and blogging.  Revisiting the aspects of myself used to like is helping me find who I am.

Reconnect With Nature

We are often so consumed in our lives, we forget about the serenity and peace nature can bring. Explore. Take drives. Go on nature walks. photograph nature, let nature bring you to ease. Nature brings realizations to light. 

Reconnect with Old Dreams

What were the dreams you said goodbye to? Did you want to write a book or become published? Did you want to travel and see certain places? What dreams did you let go of and miss? 

​Visit those thoughts again. Perhaps visiting old dreams will help you feel fulfilled. 

I have always, and I do mean ALWAYS, wanted to become a model. I spent years pushing for this and had the opportunity to walk in fashion shows a year ago. I am revisiting this dream that I temporarily dropped but want to pursue and achieve. 

A Wrap Up

Be Gentle and Honest With Yourself

You are worthy of love, peace, calmness, and joy. Don't neglect yourself, don't reject these things. Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself like how your loved ones treat you.

Do What's Best for You
​and Live for No One But Yourself

At the end of the day, you have to do things with yourself in mind. Don't do things to please others, you're the one who must live with your actions and decisions. Don't do things to impress others or to win others over.

Take a Break from Negativity
However you interpret this, do it. Cut negative people off. Leave the things that cause you stress and panic. If work is no longer making you happy, find a new job. Escape the distress and question, "is this negativity worth it?"

The Future isn't Promised

The title says it all. The future isn't promised. We could be dead tomorrow. Now, don't get paranoid or sad over this; feel empowered. We have to treat every day like it's our last. Be happy, move forward, and think of this:

If today was my last day, how would I want to be remembered? Be kindhearted, open, positive. Compliment others for no reason. Smile often, Laugh loudly. Put good out into this world.

​No matter how dark these days are, no matter how heavy they feel, we can create the light we need. 

Thank You

Thank you to everyone who has been helping me through this difficult time. Thank you to my family, friends, professors, and an endless list of names.